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헛소리/상념 2008/07/25 11:03
늘 그렇지만서도 내가 돌아올 곳은 나 스스로밖에 없다는 것을 생각하면서 괴로움에 침잠하고 있다네.
결국 내게 관심을 보이는 사람은 없고, 누구 말마따나 내가 먼저 관심을 보여봐도 별로 효과가 없는 것만 같은 기분만을 느낄 뿐이네. 마땅히 관심을 갈구하는 것은 아니라 하나....

지금은 마땅히 무언가를 하는 중은 아니네. 아무것도 하지 않고 그냥 무료하게 시간을 보내는 것만 같네. 게임을 하면 부모님과 나 스스로가 게임을 하는 나를 압박하고, 다른 것을 하자면 클리어 못한 게임 네댓개가 나를 압박하네. 어디든 끝을 봐서 정리를 해야할텐데, 그게 잘 안되지 뭔가.

얼마전에는 농활을 갔다왔네. 얼마전이라고는 해도 벌써 꽤 지났지. 두 번 가는건 싫네만 확실히 한 번쯤은 가볼 일이었다는 생각이 들었다네. 지금 내가 먹는 농산물들이 너무 싸지는 않은가 하는 생각이 들 정도로, 농삿일이 쉬운 일이 아니라는 것을 깨닫고 왔어. 잡초들을 뽑고 있자니 욕이 절로 나오면서 더러워서 농약 뿌리고 말지 하는 생각이 아니들 수가 없더군. 흐허허.

'당신'의 일은 어떻게 되었냐고? 뭘 묻고 그러나. 당연한 일이지만 실패였네. 말도 못 꺼냈단 말이야. 흐. 당신의 나에 대한 무관심만을 확인했을 뿐이었단 말일세.
이젠 다 닳아 빠졌어. 그래.

책이 한움큼 쌓여있네. 읽어야 한다는 생각만이 나를 항상 압박하고 있는데, 어째서 손을 못대고 있는 것인지 알 수 가 없는 노릇이야. 흐흐허허허. 으허허.

그래, 그렇네. 아직도 블로그에 내 푸념을 늘어놓는 것에 대한 고민은 끝나지 않았네. 무척이나 옛날 일 같지만 아직도 그래. 그래도 이렇게 늘어놓고 자빠져있는건 그만큼 절박하다는 증거일까?



뭐, 그래도 끝을 봐야지. 도망치지 않고 끝까지 발버둥치는 것이 나의 최근의 신조 아니겠는가.



잘 있게나. 또 돌아오지.
크리에이티브 커먼즈 라이센스
Creative Commons License
2008/07/25 11:03 2008/07/25 11:03
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